
In both my personal and professional life, I find myself in many discussions where the central topic is how hard it is for people ask for help. Even when everything in life feels like its pressing in on us from all sides, we still tend to push forward, gritting our teeth, persevering, waiting for things to subside or “get back to normal.” The reality, of course, is that there is no possibility of going back to the way things were before this moment, this version of us. We fashion new ways of being and doing along our life’s journey but there’s no way to go backward and reclaim something, some state of mind or emotion, that no longer exists. The only way out is through…
As we move through the different stages of our lives, the role that other people play becomes instrumental to our sense of well-being. Connection helps us to learn and grow, to identify areas where we could be better, and the reasons why we want to be. Yet, many times when people find themselves in challenging situations, our natural tendency can be to put our head down and power through rather than using the resources around us. We tell ourselves that it’s embarrassing to ask for help or it shows weakness of character or if we just hang on long enough the issue will magically resolve itself.
While I haven’t taken an independent poll of every single person in the universe, I feel confident in saying that most of us have found ourselves in this situation at some point in our lives: struggling to deal with something that feels overwhelming or frightening or that simply doesn’t make any sense and hesitating to reach out for support or guidance. As a therapist, everyone I work with has pushed themselves past whatever obstacle was in the way of asking for help. That strength and bravery leaves me grateful and awestruck at the resilience and hope people have that things can be different, better, more satisfying, more authentic in their lives if they’re willing to take a risk and put some work in.
I know that therapy can be the impetus for healing and positive momentum—both from being the helper and from having spent years lying on the proverbial couch as the recipient. But, making the decision to do that when I was young and hurt and confused and curious was very difficult. I had to become so uncomfortable in my discomfort that I was willing to open myself up to the possibility that outside intervention could make things better. And, despite knowing the rewards inherent in allowing myself to be vulnerable, I can still sometimes hesitate before I reach out to someone for feedback or guidance.
All this being said, the hardest step is the first. Reaching out and saying you need help, that you have a problem you haven’t been able to solve on your own, is more difficult than anything you will do in therapy—no matter how hard or painful it is to talk about the things that bring you there. Overcoming your own resistance is HUGE.
If you’re reading this because you’re debating about whether to ask for assistance, recognize that the internal battle you’re embroiled in is your innate drive to try to maintain the status quo versus the you who knows you deserve more out of life than what you’ve been experiencing. The paradox is that one of the most effective ways to fight what is holding you back, is to expose your fears and become vulnerable.
It’s like when my cats catch a lizard out on the porch. The lizard is terrified these predators are going to destroy it with their big sharp teeth and pointy claws. Rather than trying to escape through violence, the lizard goes into a feigned death mode where it literally shuts down its entire system and appears to be dead. In this position of utter vulnerability, it survives pain and the fear of exposure only to emerge with a renewed sense of insight and a new lease on life.
Instead of trying to push through the pain of remaining the same, push past it and confront the fear of asking for help. You’ll have to be more active than the lizard in becoming vulnerable, but the rewards of self-understanding and the empowerment that comes from the therapeutic journey can be truly transformative.
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